FINALLY A NEW BATCH ARE IN!!

"I hear there is a new laptop out that's especially designed for lawyers. No matter what font you select, it all comes out in the fine print."

 
THE NEW ORLEANS LAWYER

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan
would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of
property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back
to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the
information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(Actual letter)

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we
note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we
compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the
application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the
proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be
accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note
that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by
the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this
country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know
that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of
origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA
bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from

France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came
into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by
a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege
of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good
queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as
the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she
sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure
you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God,it is
commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to
presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana.

God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to
before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope
you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn
loan?"

The loan was approved.

The following are allegedly accurate transcriptions of testimony given in depositions or court hearings:

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

 

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began

the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

Just in case you ever wondered..... Can You Get Married in Heaven?

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatalcar accident. The couple finds themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gateswaiting for St. Peter to return. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Couldwe possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out", and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited and waited. Two months passed and the couple isstill waiting. As they waited, they discussed that If they were allowed toget married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered,"Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhatbedraggled."Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven.""Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don'twork out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here!

Do you have ANY idea how long it will take me to find a LAWYER?"